All commentary quotes by age
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- “Why are you blowing a kiss to One-Eyed Willy? ... That dude was obviously one of the most horrific pirates in history. He had all that money and killed everybody he worked with...!”
- “I like how he can smell ice cream thru a solid freezer door. That's just how Chunk rolls.”
- “This scene here: she's in disguise. Why? There are giant robots right behind her! [laughter] Also, she removes the disguise in the next shot.”
- “Oh, here it is. 'We can't read.' ... But no one realized this could possibly be racist. They only look like monkeys, talk like blacks, and have gold teeth—and they can't read.”
- “See, now, I thought that dog died. ... Uhh, that was a different dog. Oh a different dog that looks exactly the same. ... Maybe it had a twin. Oh sh**. There's your surprise ending, guys.”
- “This is the sequence of the wheelchair. This is an amazing sequence. This is one of my favorite kills of the entire series of films. ... Oh! And then he rolls backwards down the stairs with the f***in' machete in his head!”
- “So he gets up, he's knocked for a loop, but the first thing he thinks of is, ' ... I wanna marry my girlfriend. What I'm not gonna do is check to see if [Blofeld] is dead.'”
- “So now we're gonna meet ... the second biggest crime lord in all of Europe. And he has his headquarters in a crummy, run-down warehouse—not a hollowed-out volcano. ... You gotta be number one to do that.”
- “That's actually why he joined the NRA, 'cause of this movie. No no no. He said 'I'm never walking alone without a gun. 'cause there might be an ape around.' ... I read that in an interview.”
- “We saw the Statue of Liberty ... and [my dad] goes, 'The torch is the weakest part of that thing. That would have fallen off first.' [laughter] He's a practical man. He is! He's a metallurgist.”
- “[as Chewie] I'm not even gonna get a medal am I? You know why? 'Cause he didn't do a damn thing! If we're gonna talk about it, Han flew the thing and shot the lasers. ... Chewie was the damn co-pilot!”
- “By the way, go to Google, type in "moon of Mimas". ... You'll see ... an actual moon in our solar system that looks like the Death Star. ... That's no moon. That's a space station. [laughter] Wah wah.”
- “How many of these people of historical significance does Missy hit on? Uh, probably all of them. [laughter] She does like her older men.”
- “Would you guys say you're probably a bit more gay than you were two hours ago? I'm a little gayer.”
- “Any girl could probably beat the crap out of me if she was naked. [laughter] 'Cause I think that's how she got the drop on, what, two guys? That naked woman just leveled two FBI agents.”
- “Who wrote this movie? I hope he got the Nobel Peace Prize. Soleil Moon Frye. Punky Brewster? Yes. She would've been like 10. Exactly.”
- “Cornelius minds, but [Umbridge is going to curse Harry] in front of twelve other people, and she thinks it's not gonna get back to him? Yeah. These kids have blogs, Delores.”
- “Oh look, Hermione's been caught wearing the same outfit twice in one movie. ... You mean like in real life people wear the same clothes more than once? ... Not me. I keep all the tags on my clothes and return them after I wear them once.”
- “[Remus and Harry go walking] 'Oh wow, look. We found Hedwig.' ... [as Hedwig] I'm it! You go hide now! [laughter] Whooo found me?”
- “[Malfoy's] so tough and does this [drawing]? [laughter] ... 'Look, Harry, you have a poo-poo face!' Did you see he signed it? He signed the bottom of the drawing, like it's gonna go on a wall somewhere.”
- “With Jason, ... he's getting revenge for being killed at summer camp. But revenge on everybody? [laughter] ... He's a good guy; he's just takin' to extremes. Well, when a man seeks revenge, Dave, he must first dig two graves.”
- “Is it just me, or is this woman really attractive? [laughter] In a strange, sort of, werewolf type of way? In a strange, she'd-eat-you-alive kind of way.”
- “[as Lucius] Come, Dobby. It's time to make me some chimichangas. [laughter] Chimichangas! Lucius does not eat
chimichangas . D'ya think?” - “Wait! Here comes another Hermione-knows-everything moment.”
- “How did a giant and a human...? I have thought about this
in detail. Why?! ... If the mother's human, she couldn't give birth to it. ... I guess if the father's human, they could always use an engorgio charm.” - “Jen, I'm not sure if you've bought me my Christmas present yet, but I think the sweater vest Neville's wearing would be just excellent if you could find it in a medium. [laughter] Sure thing, honey.”
- “Where did these guys come from? ... The various options are: they were waitin' in the ship ... playin' poker. ... Or they've just come to pick up the predator. ... They could have been polishin' helmets while they were waitin'. [laughter]”
- “I love stuff like that: he's in a proper bathroom! [laughter] ... When they did the third film, they should have had him on the toilet. ... Just reading a magazine? Yeah! Hunter hunting magazine.”
- “Those pants look very comfortable. You saying you want to get into those pants? [laughter] ... I'm just sayin'—[Buffy] looks comfortable.”
- “I wish I lived near a lake like this. Yeah, so Jason could kill you? ... Jason lives at every lake ever. No, he lives at Crystal Lake. Yeah, that's Crystal Lake. ... This is Ruby Lake. This is Cubic Zirconium Lake.”
- “I remember [Gina Gershon] most from Showgirls, I'm sorry. [laughter] ... I was gonna say Bound. ... I haven't seen either of those films. ... I've seen Bound, I think, once. I've seen the sex scene in Bound about 75 times.”
- “We tend to have a drink or something to eat with the film. ... We've got some Russian vodka all the way from Russia, believe it or not. [laughter] ... That's where the best Russian vodka comes from, I've heard.”
- “I wouldn't leap to any conclusions. ... I would more believe clone than extra-dimensional Dale, spiritual Dale, ghost Dale— Time-travel Dale? ... If time-travel Dale comes back, he knows what to say.”
- “Oh, it's a goat. Why did they bother putting lipstick and a bikini [on it]? ... Oh, nothing better to do with their time.”
- “This computer that he's going to be hacking the alien mothership with would have been running ... System 7.5. The new features ... included drag-and-drop, TrueType fonts, and color—on available systems. It was a magical time.”
- “Does Jeff Goldblum always play a rock star scientist?! Is that what he does? Yes. Yes, he does. ... [as Goldblum] Uh, chaotician. Chaotician.”
- “I do love Marvin Berry and the Starlighters. I think they should have their own time adventures. [laughter] They get a spin-off TV show.”
- “I love that [Doc] took the time to paint the bottles and everything white. [laughter, then as Doc] 'I'm sorry for the crudeness of this model.' It's like, uh, I'm sorry for your crippling Asperger's Syndrome, dude.”
- “What if you went back in time, and you saw your mom when she was 17, and she was crazy hot? My mom was crazy hot at 17. Would you get a halfie? ... No! It's my mom, dude! ... She's crazy hot!”
- “Who's that guy Dumbledore's 'friends' with? Is that one of his buddies-buddies? John! ... What? Why can't Dumbledore bring a date to quidditch?”
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