Quotes from Joel Schumacher

My mutant powers: I can watch reruns of the hit Paul Reiser series Mad About You any time I want without a TV. I simply choose not to exercise those powers. — Rifftrax,
X-Men @1:13:09

This became canon, the age thing, whereas he’s just pulling it out of his ass. [as Yoda] ‘No, he’s too old! No, I don’t like his face! Fine. I’ll do it.’ ‘He’s a size 11!’ ‘I got things on Saturday! I can’t do it!’ — Down in Front,
Star Wars 5: Empire Strikes Back @1:02:23

What would be funny … is if … when she’s tryin’ to get in the Tardis, she got pushed out of the way by Rory the Robot, and he just went in. [laughter] B’bye! … And then there’s a spinoff series with Rory and K-9. — Blogtor Who,
Doctor Who ‘The Girl Who Waited’ @0:31:53

What?! Coming this fall to Universal Studios! The Scorpion King Toilet Flush Ride! [laughter] How did they fit down the drain?! — Gymkommentary,
The Scorpion King @0:37:53

There’s a line in the script that I’m surprised they cut out. … She goes, ‘Is this your secret stash?’ He goes, ‘It’s my secret secret stash.’ … They’ve tampered with his pot but not that one, because nobody knew about that stash. — Down in Front,
Cabin in the Woods @0:17:40

This Grizzly’s gonna get disqualified for some sort of illegal substance. … Two minutes for illegal use of a beard. — TATANS,
Over the Top @1:09:26

I like that his only reaction to chopping up his girlfriend into little bits and pieces is wiping his hands on his jeans. Yeah, that’ll fix everything. — Sofa Dogs,
The Evil Dead @0:51:21

It’s the superhero and the James Bond aspects. … There’s something in the esthetic that’s very theme park-y in a lot of it. Theme park-y? Yeah. What? I don’t know. — Down in Front,
The Incredibles @0:08:11

Hoh hey! We got Amy strapped to a chair. [laughter] There’s a lot of fans’ fantasies fulfilled right there. — Cultdom Collective,
Doctor Who ‘Day of the Moon’ @0:33:41

Somebody actually bothered to count the number of times they say the f-word, and it tops out at 225. That sounds like a decent number. Which I think boiled down to 10 minutes of screen time. — Sofa Dogs,
True Romance @0:03:33

And of course the scene with the MP—right there—gets so many people. [laughter] You’re just like, ‘I’m with you, William Sadler.’ — Paxton Configuration,
The Mist @1:26:25

God, that phone’s got a lot of use, hasn’t it? [30 seconds later] Ahh, meanwhile back at the phone…. — MMM Commentaries,
Climax! ‘Casino Royale’ @0:34:17

Here is Luke’s training. It lasts three-and-a-half minutes. Aaaand he learns nothing. — Tysto Commentaries,
Star Wars 4: New Hope @0:57:57

If I ever ran into either of those three—Elaine May or the two main guys—I would … say, ‘Look. I mean this with all sincerity. I freakin’ love that movie. Thank you for giving me that. It made my childhood.’ — Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy,
Ishtar @1:42:18

[re: Sabretooth] Mr. Eyebrows! It’s like he glued two tribbles to his forehead. — Rifftrax,
X-Men @1:08:03

[Falk:] Should we take a pool on what minute [McClane] loses his comfy sweater? I bet 0:47:00. [Skelton:] He has it on for most of the movie. [after 1:02:00] [TRA:] I’ll go 1:07:00. [actually 0:43:15] — Film Pigs,
Die Hard 2 @0:30:15

[Madonna] was in Evita. … I’ve got the single. I don’t know where the hell that came from. … I would actually own up to it if I bought it. … I mean, I’ve just admitted to going to see The Care Bears Movie— Twice, yeah. — DVDCommentaries.co.uk,
Dick Tracy @1:28:11

This is one of those moments that I treasure in film. … This slow realization that everything you’ve been doing up to this point has been a terrible, terrible mistake. — Tysto Commentaries,
Aliens @1:13:58

When Hef was there in 1979, shooting that made-for-TV movie, he also did a spread with the Playboy bunnies. So … you can see the bunnies on all these rides. — Coaster Radio,
Rollercoaster @0:05:40

Polanski [is] basically saying ‘I’m gonna take my actor. … I’m gonna put this big bandage across his face. I’m gonna take away what you think a hero is and have him still be the hero.’ — Film Grok,
Chinatown @0:50:52

There’s no building on that side of the White House. … Does Felix Leiter have an office in the top of the Washington Monument? — Tysto Commentaries,
Goldfinger @1:00:10

I think Dakota Fanning would have done a better job as John Connor than Edward Furlong. He’s just very annoying. She would also be less effeminate than Edward Furlong, to be frank. — Tysto Commentaries,
Terminator 2 @0:05:53

Here’s why this movie sucks already. Bruce Campbell’s dead. The best thing in this movie, and he’s dead within the first 7 minutes. — DVD PodBlast,
Congo @0:10:06

The basic premise is ‘Is Norman crazy?’ And we’re sort of watching this film goin’, ‘Oh, don’t do it, Norman! Don’t go back to your old ways!’ … Whereas with Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers, it’s just, ‘Oh, they’re faceless killers.’ — DVDCommentaries.co.uk,
Psycho II @0:06:04

[Magneto's plan] is kind of on the same level as the first Superman, where he’s like, ‘I’m buying up land.’ … It’s like a hedge fund manager for superpowers. — Down in Front,
X-Men @0:07:10

So here we have the orgasm cake. … If I went to a place that gave me an orgasm every time I took a bite of their cheesecake, I’d go back. I’d go back there a lot. Yeah, but nobody would take you. — Down in Front,
The Matrix Reloaded @1:11:51

Poor Pius just got killed. He’s angry! Voldemort just lost another horcrux. … I felt bad for Pius too, Micah. Don’t worry. We’ll have T-shirts and a blood drive or something. — MuggleCast,
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 2 @1:06:59

I was a vegetarian. … In Last Crusade … [Marcus Brodie] says, ‘…I’m a vegetarian.’ And I thought … I’m more like Brodie than Indiana Jones. … I wanna be that guy. So I ate meat that very afternoon. — DVDCommentaries.co.uk,
Indy 2: Temple of Doom @0:53:54

And here’s Ruth. Ruth Gordon. Whooo! I had the chance to speak with her recently, via Ouija board. Very sweet woman. — Soju After Movie,
Any Which Way You Can @0:23:15

[re: Ramius] John McTiernan brought [Klaus Maria Brandauer] in, but he just didn’t feel like he was the right fit for the role. Not Scottish enough. — MMM Commentaries,
The Hunt for Red October @0:02:44

Notice the size of this item here. That’s not a pill. … That’s a suppository. You and I know where that goes. You can’t make a dead man swallow that. — Tysto Commentaries,
The Princess Bride @1:15:54

Someone must have told [Radcliffe] if you just shake your head and blink a lot, that will show that you’re scared. … You don’t remember Shakey-Head-Blinky class from theater? [laughter] … I took that for two semesters. It was great! — PotterFicWeekly,
Harry Potter 1: Sorcerer’s Stone @0:13:19

Is his name ‘Captain Kirk’? Yes. … You missed that joke earlier? … They called Clint Howard ‘Spock.’ Get it? — Adudathuda PodBlast,
House of the Dead

Out of a whole series of incompetent security guards, these ones are the most incompetent of them all. Because one of them … tries to feeds her a biscuit as she comes down the stairs. — Speakeasy & the Denim Cowboy,
Lifeforce @0:26:35

It’s Golem and his 8,000 second cousins. … If I had a nickel for every time Harry almost got killed under water— You’d have ten cents. I’d have a dime. Yeah. — PotterFicWeekly,
Harry Potter 6: Half-Blood Prince @2:12:50

How drunk do you have to be to be knocked unconscious by being punched in the shoulder by an old lady? Wow, that’s drunk! — Tysto Commentaries,
Werewolf of London @0:49:17

He’s not accelerating on the way down. He sort of reaches a speed and then stays constant. Well, Germans have a very low terminal velocity. … That’s racist. — Down in Front,
Die Hard @2:08:42

[as Nightowl] Finally, I hook up with this girl. … She immediately goes back to the blue freak. And I just saw his wang, and it’s three times the size of mine. [laughter] And blue, like a raspberry Laffy Taffy. — Jon Madsen and friends,
The Watchmen @1:55:41

[as producer] Mr. Stewart, sir, we’ll back the money truck right up to your door if only you’ll lend a tiny shred of credibility to our comic book franchise. — Rifftrax,
X-Men @0:49:07

[sniff] No, that was just me sniffing. Don’t worry. We watched this three or four times beforehand, so we could become desensitized. I didn’t. I may become a weepy mess. — Radio Free Skaro,
Doctor Who ‘Doomsday’ @0:38:07

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